Happy Sunday friend!

I’ve kept a digital journal on my laptop since 2009. That’s 17 years of nearly daily entries documenting the ordinary and not-so-ordinary moments of my life. It’s become a living history of sorts. I can look back on this exact day over the years and relive a little bit of each one.

Nostalgia at its best!

This time of year, the pattern is almost always the same: getting the kids ready to go back to school.

I always hated the end of summer, but I loved getting excited with them for a fresh start. We’d get their school supply lists and make a day out of clothes shopping, complete with lunch somewhere special. It became one of those traditions we all looked forward to.

Even when they went away to college, there were still the familiar routines. A little shopping trip, helping them get everything they needed, making sure they were set up for the year ahead.

I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise that this time of year has hit a little harder the past few years, but especially this one.

Our youngest, Ava, graduated from college this spring, which means this is technically our first fall without a child going back to school in 25 years.

And honestly?

It’s just weird.

Even though it’s still ridiculously hot here in Texas, the light starts to change this time of year. Have you ever noticed that? It gets a little softer and more golden, almost like it’s hinting that fall is coming even when the thermometer says otherwise.

I was standing in my office yesterday noticing that light when the deepest wave of grief hit me.

Completely out of the blue.

It was the closing of a chapter. The end of a season I loved so much.

I’ve been grieving a lot lately, and honestly, allowing myself to actually feel it instead of compartmentalizing it or pushing it down has been one of my biggest growth lessons of midlife and empty nesting.

Because I’m realizing grief doesn’t always mean something is wrong. Sometimes we grieve something just because it was really, really good. And those years were.

Of course they weren’t perfect. I can read those old journal entries and find plenty of exhausted versions of myself who would probably like to have a word with nostalgic Alison. 😂

There were rushed mornings and arguments and forgotten homework and way too many places to be at once. There were years when Craig and I were absolutely in survival mode and just trying to get everyone fed and where they needed to go.

But there was so much goodness too. And now I get to miss it.

I think that's something I've misunderstood about moving forward. I used to think the goal was to get to the place where I wasn't sad anymore.

I'm not sure that's the goal now. Maybe it's learning how to hold all of it at once, the grief and the joy. The appreciation for what was and the appreciation for what is.

Because there’s plenty I love about this season too.

Craig and I are more connected than ever. We go for long golf cart rides around our neighborhood most nights and have the kinds of conversations we probably didn't have enough capacity for when the kids were younger.

We reflect on how much of those years we spent in survival mode. How we've grown as individuals and as a couple. What we want this next part of our lives to look like. What we'd like to do differently with our adult kids and, someday, grandkids.

And the kids haven't disappeared from our lives just because they grew up. Our relationship with them is changing into something I couldn't have imagined when I was packing school lunches and sitting in the stands.

I really, really like the adults they've become. Maybe that's one of the strange gifts of this season. I don't have to stop loving the life I had in order to love the life I have now.

I can stand in the golden August light and let myself miss backpacks and school supplies and those little shopping trips.

And then I can go downstairs, find Craig and ask if he wants to take the golf cart out tonight. Both can be true.

Maybe that's what I'm learning more than anything lately.

Life doesn't always ask us to let go of one chapter before we're allowed to love the next one.

Sometimes we get to carry the best parts with us. And even though I don't have anyone going back to school this year, I think I'm going to keep one part of the tradition for myself.

That fresh-start feeling.

Maybe this year, I'm the one going back to school.

Not literally. 😂

But I'm following the breadcrumbs, trying new things, writing again, asking different questions and figuring out what I want this season of my life to look like.

And maybe that's what this time of year can become for me now. A reminder that we're never too old for a fresh start.

This Week's Breadcrumb

Is there something about this time of year that makes you feel ready for a fresh start?

Maybe it's cleaning out a closet, buying a new notebook, signing up for something you've wanted to try or simply deciding there's something you'd like to make more room for this fall.

Pay attention to it.

Maybe that's your breadcrumb this week.

xo